Movie: Ben-Hur

Release Date: November 18, 1959

Director: William Wyler

Starring: Charlton Heston, Jack Hawkins, Haya Harareet, Stephen Boyd, Hugh Griffith, Martha Scott, Cathy O’Donnell, Sam Jaffe

Personal History: Never Watched Before

Rating: 6 Oscars out of 10

I had a running joke when people would ask me if I had ever watched ‘Ben-Hur.’ “‘Ben-Hur?’ I’m gay. I like the sequel ‘Ben-Him’ much better.” And now you know why my stand-up career never took off.

My knowledge of the film ‘Ben-Hur’ was very limited. Of course I knew about the movie as it was nominated for twelve Academy Awards, winning eleven including Best Picture. I knew there was an epic and infamous chariot race in it. I also knew Charlton Heston was its star. That reason is probably why I stayed clear of this drama.

As you might recall from my recent viewing of ‘The Greatest Show on Earth,’ I am not a real fan of Mr. Heston. Although I never met him, he seemed like a real arrogant douchebag. ‘The Ten Commandments,’ until recently, was the only movie he starred in that I remember watching from beginning to end. He didn’t even win me over when he guest starred in an episode of ‘Friends.’

With that said, I also thought he was a horrible actor. I know, I know, he was respected, revered and nominated a few times for Best Actor. Of course, he won that award for ‘Ben-Hur,’ so what do I know? But I stand by my evaluation of him as simply terrible. I feel about him the same way I feel about Humphrey Bogart, if you recall.

Since I avoided ‘Ben-Hur’ because of its star and my knowledge of the film was very limited, I didn’t know that it was a ‘biblical’ story. Although raised strict Catholic, I eventually graduated into atheism. That doesn’t mean I shy away from anything religious-themed. A good story is a good story no matter what its source. However, I did roll my eyes a bit when the movie started today. Natural reflex behavior.

Another aspect that made me roll my eyes when I started watching the movie today was that it was split into two DVD’s. That could only mean one thing, long ass movie. Indeed, the film clocks in at almost four hours. Of course, being a trend in Hollywood back in the day, there is the Overture, Intermission, Entre’act that must be endured. Didn’t they realize editing these scenes out would make the film shorter? Insert another eye roll.

Surprisingly that was where my criticism and eye rolling stopped. Overall, the film was quite entertaining and kept me engaged the entire time. The story was definitely epic in nature and carried all of the themes a biblical story’s famous for: family, love, revenge and good versus evil. The sets, costumes and cinematography were all top-notch and the ever-so-popular chariot race was indeed grand and fun to watch.

I would be remiss if I did not mention the homosexual undertones in the movie. First of all, the two main male characters, the friends-turned-enemies, were definitely more than “just friends.” The scene where they need to impress each other with a javelin throw was evidence they did more than throw wood. Secondly, before the chariot race, was that a bath house for the Roman Empire? Men in togas and towels being washed by other men. All we needed was Bette Midler singing “Friends” to establish all of the gay sex about to be had.

‘Ben-Hur’ was definitely deserving of all of the hype, box office success and awards it received. Although not my favorite genre of movie nor a story I can say I love, it’s still an entertaining and respectable film.

Oh, and Charlton Heston overacted and was horrible.